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The Integrity of Love
Connie Donaldson, MA
| Breaking the Cycle of Family Pain - continued |
Minutes later, Mark asks Thomas, “What happened with your mother?”
“She left my Dad and me when I was seven months old. She never returned.”
Now I’m a bit shaken. How had my body sensed that? Somehow that feeling of wanting to escape
came through me, not from me.
For a moment, that realization startles me out of my role and I remember that I’m here to report on
this work, not just be a part of it. I look at Thomas. He’s fully engaged in the process. There, in front
of his eyes, painful images from his childhood suddenly seem to take on a new light.
Mark guides the constellation to a solution and asks Thomas to stand in the place of his
representative so that he can experience the change, not just witness it.
I’m still at the far end of the room, but now Thomas’ father’s representative is beside me. We’re both
facing Thomas as he approaches us.
As he repeats the healing words that Mark suggests, “I take my life from you exactly as it was, with all
of its consequences” he is shaking. As he approaches us—the representatives of his alcoholic father
and the mother who had deserted him—there is love in his eyes. As he continues to repeat the words
that Mark suggests, “Mom, I keep you in my heart forever … Dad, you are the right father for me”
tears stream down his face.
Thomas moves directly in front of us; instinctively, both of us reach out to him. When he’s in my arms,
sobbing, something in my heart breaks too. For the minutes that we share this embrace, I’m totally
caught up in the experience. I am there as his mother. Only when the constellation is complete, when
I am back to myself again, do I realize how far I’ve gone into someone else’s life, someone else’s
space.
I want to talk, ask questions, but there is no time. A second constellation has begun. In this one,
Gary, a distinguished man in his early 60’s wants to work toward a better relationship with his son.
Gary chooses two representatives, one for himself, and one for his son. The son gazes beyond Gary’
s representative into the distance. Mark turns to Gary, who is seated next to him and asks, “What
happened between you and your father?”
“I never knew my father. He died in the war while my mother was pregnant with me.”
Mark places a representative for his father in the spot where the son’s representative is staring.
Again, the constellation evolves. This time, when the solution is reached, Gary is hesitant to replace
his representative in the constellation. But when he does, amazing things happen. As reconciliation is
made between Gary and the father he never knew, he is visibly shaken—and so are the
representatives. Something powerful is happening here.
When the constellation is complete, Gary thanks Mark saying, ”This is what I’ve been searching for all
my life. Now I have it. Now I feel at peace.”
No time to talk again, as a woman who fears a recurrence of her breast cancer begins her work. And
so it goes until, hours later, each of the six has completed a constellation.
By the time the workshop is complete, the particulars of each constellation are beginning to blur in my
mind. But what strikes me about this process are three things: the courageous honesty of the
participants as they open themselves up to the experience, the relief and peace that shows on their
faces at the completion of it, and the gentle, confident manner in which Mark walks each one through
his or her work.
Afterward, as Mark and I sit in his office, I finally get a chance to talk with him about what I’ve
witnessed. After such an intense afternoon, we’re both surprisingly energetic.
My first question is, naturally, what in the world is Family Constellation Work?
With a smile that says he’s answered this question many times before, he explains:
“A Family Constellation is a one-time therapeutic intervention, based on the family systems therapy of
Bert Hellinger, the renowned German therapist. While working with patients, Hellinger observed that
the tragic events in a family, such as the premature death of a parent or sibling, a stillborn or suicide,
can exert a powerful force affecting later generations. In such a trauma, a deep wound is created
where the pain and grief are so intense they cannot be tolerated. Family members then cut off their
feelings, especially their compassion and empathy for the one they’re grieving. In this way, they leave
the person out of their hearts. Then someone in the next generation, loyal to the one who was left
out, might suffer in a similar way or repeat a similar misfortune. Family Constellation Work brings to
light these unconscious loyalties and allows us to choose a healthier path.”
You helped several people today reconnect with their family members. Yet I notice that many people
in our culture would rather distance themselves from their families.
“That’s true. Much of today’s self-help philosophy is based on a moving away from our dysfunctional
families, both literally and figuratively. But Hellinger’s research has shown that those who reject their
parents have rejected an integral part of themselves and do harm to themselves—both physically
and emotionally. In the second constellation, for example, Gary knew in his mind that he loved his
father, but he couldn’t feel it. In that way, he had rejected him. Now, because he agreed to take life
from his father, exactly as it had been given, with all of the consequences of that particular fate, Gary
could open his heart to his father, and through that openness, feel closer to his son.”
And the results are always this profound?
“They can be. In a constellation, we experience a more honest and complete image of our family. And
because the image takes place outside of us rather than inside of us, it bypasses the mind and
affects the soul.
“We work at a very deep level with constellations. We’re working not just with the person, but with the
energy of his entire family system.”
What do you mean by “energy?” Are the representatives psychically channeling the family?”
“No, actually, the work is based on the principle known as the morphogenetic field. About twenty
years ago the Cambridge biologist, Rupert Sheldrake, postulated that all organisms—from plants to
families to countries—have an energy field around them that somehow connects them, free of time
and space restrictions. And, when the field is produced, it contains a memory and set of rules by
which the energy flows.
“In its most simple terms, this theory explains the phenomenon of a dog going to the door minutes
before its master comes home—no matter when he comes home, no matter how long he’s been
gone—long before the pet can hear or see someone approaching. On a more intricate level, it
explains why a mother is awakened in fear from a dead sleep when her child has been in an accident
five hundred miles away. There are connections within that field.”
So, you’re saying that what happens in a constellation can be explained scientifically, without any
magical “touched by an angel” stuff?
“That’s been my experience. And, if I’m not mistaken,” he says with a grin, “that’s been yours too. How
else do you explain what happened to you in the constellation?”
Is this kind of work finding a place in the mainstream medical community?
“I’m finding the medical community to be very open. Currently, I’m working with several self-injurers
(young people who cut themselves, pull out their hair, etc.) who have been referred to me by their
psychiatrists. Constellation Work has been quite effective in helping them to stop. I also teach a
course on Family Constellation Work for the University of Pittsburgh’s Graduate School of Social
Work's Continuing Education Program. So, yes, I’d say that there’s a good bit of acceptance here—
especially for something so new to the US.”
It’s more popular elsewhere?
“This work is done in over 30 countries, including Japan and Mongolia. It’s one of the leading forms of
therapy practiced throughout Europe and Latin America. But it is coming into its own in our country
too. For example, this October, I’ll be presenting at the first US Conference on Systemic
Constellations in Portland, Oregon.”
Who are the people who benefit most from Constellation Work?
“Often when people come to me, they’ve already exhausted the conventional routes. Many have
illnesses, depression, obsessive thoughts and panic attacks. Some struggle with meaninglessness or
a difficult relationship with a partner, child or parent, especially when they’ve perceived a parent to be
abusive or distant.”
Do you ever get clients who are uncomfortable working in a group?
“Yes. As a matter of fact, here in Pittsburgh, much of my Constellation Work is done in individual
sessions. Using figurines, cushions or inner images, we can duplicate the work done by
representatives.
“However, when I travel, I use the workshop format almost exclusively. Last month, I was in Kentucky
and New York; the month before, in Boston and Arizona. The workshops are very powerful. So I
always make sure to leave at least one weekend a month open for facilitating them in Pittsburgh. This
is home, and it’s where I like to work best.”
“She left my Dad and me when I was seven months old. She never returned.”
Now I’m a bit shaken. How had my body sensed that? Somehow that feeling of wanting to escape
came through me, not from me.
For a moment, that realization startles me out of my role and I remember that I’m here to report on
this work, not just be a part of it. I look at Thomas. He’s fully engaged in the process. There, in front
of his eyes, painful images from his childhood suddenly seem to take on a new light.
Mark guides the constellation to a solution and asks Thomas to stand in the place of his
representative so that he can experience the change, not just witness it.
I’m still at the far end of the room, but now Thomas’ father’s representative is beside me. We’re both
facing Thomas as he approaches us.
As he repeats the healing words that Mark suggests, “I take my life from you exactly as it was, with all
of its consequences” he is shaking. As he approaches us—the representatives of his alcoholic father
and the mother who had deserted him—there is love in his eyes. As he continues to repeat the words
that Mark suggests, “Mom, I keep you in my heart forever … Dad, you are the right father for me”
tears stream down his face.
Thomas moves directly in front of us; instinctively, both of us reach out to him. When he’s in my arms,
sobbing, something in my heart breaks too. For the minutes that we share this embrace, I’m totally
caught up in the experience. I am there as his mother. Only when the constellation is complete, when
I am back to myself again, do I realize how far I’ve gone into someone else’s life, someone else’s
space.
I want to talk, ask questions, but there is no time. A second constellation has begun. In this one,
Gary, a distinguished man in his early 60’s wants to work toward a better relationship with his son.
Gary chooses two representatives, one for himself, and one for his son. The son gazes beyond Gary’
s representative into the distance. Mark turns to Gary, who is seated next to him and asks, “What
happened between you and your father?”
“I never knew my father. He died in the war while my mother was pregnant with me.”
Mark places a representative for his father in the spot where the son’s representative is staring.
Again, the constellation evolves. This time, when the solution is reached, Gary is hesitant to replace
his representative in the constellation. But when he does, amazing things happen. As reconciliation is
made between Gary and the father he never knew, he is visibly shaken—and so are the
representatives. Something powerful is happening here.
When the constellation is complete, Gary thanks Mark saying, ”This is what I’ve been searching for all
my life. Now I have it. Now I feel at peace.”
No time to talk again, as a woman who fears a recurrence of her breast cancer begins her work. And
so it goes until, hours later, each of the six has completed a constellation.
By the time the workshop is complete, the particulars of each constellation are beginning to blur in my
mind. But what strikes me about this process are three things: the courageous honesty of the
participants as they open themselves up to the experience, the relief and peace that shows on their
faces at the completion of it, and the gentle, confident manner in which Mark walks each one through
his or her work.
Afterward, as Mark and I sit in his office, I finally get a chance to talk with him about what I’ve
witnessed. After such an intense afternoon, we’re both surprisingly energetic.
My first question is, naturally, what in the world is Family Constellation Work?
With a smile that says he’s answered this question many times before, he explains:
“A Family Constellation is a one-time therapeutic intervention, based on the family systems therapy of
Bert Hellinger, the renowned German therapist. While working with patients, Hellinger observed that
the tragic events in a family, such as the premature death of a parent or sibling, a stillborn or suicide,
can exert a powerful force affecting later generations. In such a trauma, a deep wound is created
where the pain and grief are so intense they cannot be tolerated. Family members then cut off their
feelings, especially their compassion and empathy for the one they’re grieving. In this way, they leave
the person out of their hearts. Then someone in the next generation, loyal to the one who was left
out, might suffer in a similar way or repeat a similar misfortune. Family Constellation Work brings to
light these unconscious loyalties and allows us to choose a healthier path.”
You helped several people today reconnect with their family members. Yet I notice that many people
in our culture would rather distance themselves from their families.
“That’s true. Much of today’s self-help philosophy is based on a moving away from our dysfunctional
families, both literally and figuratively. But Hellinger’s research has shown that those who reject their
parents have rejected an integral part of themselves and do harm to themselves—both physically
and emotionally. In the second constellation, for example, Gary knew in his mind that he loved his
father, but he couldn’t feel it. In that way, he had rejected him. Now, because he agreed to take life
from his father, exactly as it had been given, with all of the consequences of that particular fate, Gary
could open his heart to his father, and through that openness, feel closer to his son.”
And the results are always this profound?
“They can be. In a constellation, we experience a more honest and complete image of our family. And
because the image takes place outside of us rather than inside of us, it bypasses the mind and
affects the soul.
“We work at a very deep level with constellations. We’re working not just with the person, but with the
energy of his entire family system.”
What do you mean by “energy?” Are the representatives psychically channeling the family?”
“No, actually, the work is based on the principle known as the morphogenetic field. About twenty
years ago the Cambridge biologist, Rupert Sheldrake, postulated that all organisms—from plants to
families to countries—have an energy field around them that somehow connects them, free of time
and space restrictions. And, when the field is produced, it contains a memory and set of rules by
which the energy flows.
“In its most simple terms, this theory explains the phenomenon of a dog going to the door minutes
before its master comes home—no matter when he comes home, no matter how long he’s been
gone—long before the pet can hear or see someone approaching. On a more intricate level, it
explains why a mother is awakened in fear from a dead sleep when her child has been in an accident
five hundred miles away. There are connections within that field.”
So, you’re saying that what happens in a constellation can be explained scientifically, without any
magical “touched by an angel” stuff?
“That’s been my experience. And, if I’m not mistaken,” he says with a grin, “that’s been yours too. How
else do you explain what happened to you in the constellation?”
Is this kind of work finding a place in the mainstream medical community?
“I’m finding the medical community to be very open. Currently, I’m working with several self-injurers
(young people who cut themselves, pull out their hair, etc.) who have been referred to me by their
psychiatrists. Constellation Work has been quite effective in helping them to stop. I also teach a
course on Family Constellation Work for the University of Pittsburgh’s Graduate School of Social
Work's Continuing Education Program. So, yes, I’d say that there’s a good bit of acceptance here—
especially for something so new to the US.”
It’s more popular elsewhere?
“This work is done in over 30 countries, including Japan and Mongolia. It’s one of the leading forms of
therapy practiced throughout Europe and Latin America. But it is coming into its own in our country
too. For example, this October, I’ll be presenting at the first US Conference on Systemic
Constellations in Portland, Oregon.”
Who are the people who benefit most from Constellation Work?
“Often when people come to me, they’ve already exhausted the conventional routes. Many have
illnesses, depression, obsessive thoughts and panic attacks. Some struggle with meaninglessness or
a difficult relationship with a partner, child or parent, especially when they’ve perceived a parent to be
abusive or distant.”
Do you ever get clients who are uncomfortable working in a group?
“Yes. As a matter of fact, here in Pittsburgh, much of my Constellation Work is done in individual
sessions. Using figurines, cushions or inner images, we can duplicate the work done by
representatives.
“However, when I travel, I use the workshop format almost exclusively. Last month, I was in Kentucky
and New York; the month before, in Boston and Arizona. The workshops are very powerful. So I
always make sure to leave at least one weekend a month open for facilitating them in Pittsburgh. This
is home, and it’s where I like to work best.”